We had
it out with Jen today. She never moved her fucking table and
so we were moving and she was going to have Florent deported.
I think I am over that.
So... that
made me feel abused.
But then
tonight was a very awesome night because we came over to Jen(3)
and Chris's for their dinner party. We were going to eat Japanese
but Chris ended up making Mexican. I met an amazing bunch of
people and had the experience of a lifetime. We picked through
seedy pot and someone made butter for the brownies. Jen(3) ended
up crushing almonds in them. Yum. I am the only one that is
still awake this late at night.
For this
to be such a horrendous day I am glad for it's resolution. I
am happy that I have met some people that can accept Florent
as being himself and not be so fucking judgmental. I'm fucking
dying and I would rather be happy with the man I love.
Sunday
March 3, 2002
I don't
know what I am going to do... I thought that being footloose
and fancy free could be a wonderful thing but now I am not so
convinced.
The first
night we paid way too much money to stay at a place where we
heard people fucking all night. I was not in a good mood and
after last night we had to wait around for a room until 5:30
to stay at a Motel 6 that ain't that clean. But we switched
rooms and I feel much better now.
So... That
part sucks. I wish it was a lot warmer so we could camp out
because I really can't stand this town any longer.
I can't
tell you how betrayed I feel. When Jen came stomping into the
storage facility and started screaming at Florent and telling
him she was going to have him deported I lost it. My God...
how hateful can a person be?
I lost
my temper. I put her in her fucking place and watched as tears
boiled just underneath her lids as I screamed at her and told
both her and Florent to fuck themselves. That I was dying and
would be dead in 10 years and this is the kind of shit I have
in my life.
She systematically
went through and decimated my budding friendship with Buzzy.
She went to our landlords and told him that we stole her kitchen
table and then insisted that we were stealing all of her shit
when she fucking left it there for the last 6 months! My fucking
god. I just want my own place with Florent. Just a small apartment
and fuck everyone else.
I'm beginning
to wonder too if all the problems I have been upset about aren't
necessarily me but more of her. I know Florent and I have been
arguing and he has been saying some abusive things to me but
you should hear some of the abusive things I say to him. I am
sad to say I am not so innocent.
But no
matter what words come out of our mouths and no matter how hot
our tempers rise we genuinely love one another. If he wasn't
a part of my life right now I don't know what I would do. This
may sound so codependent but right now I don't give a fuck.
You don't see me writhing in agony at night when I have done
too much and it's too cold outside.
The other
night when I stayed the night at Jen's and she basically caused
me to lose my job because she said she would give me a ride
to work but then I had to call Florent to come and pick me up.
We were late and so the attorney no longer wanted my services.
She called me up the other day and started RIPPING a new asshole
to Florent.
"Cathy
I know it's not you... but I don't trust HIM"
"HE
IS MY PARTNER" I screeched back at her the other day. I
told her not to piss me off and now I don't give a fuck if I
ever have anything to do with her again. She told the same thing
to Buzzy but my God... I'm not trying to ruin every fucking
relationship she has right now as well as the one to the one
person that listened to all her deep dark secrets and made her
feel so good.
I finally
started to think maybe, just maybe she is jealous. And maybe
she is denying her more base feelings that she might be a lesbian
and then masking it with this hostility towards Florent.
I know
that he has not been the most perfect husband but at least now
he is willing to be trained a little more. And maybe if we don't
have other people in our shit so much it won't be so bad. He
had been complaining about her for months and I ignored him
because I thought she was so wonderful but she kept comparing
him to her ex boyfriend and that bastard never finished college
while Florent has his Masters.
Plus our
industry has tanked and we are in the middle of a recession
and we have to get his INS shit worked out so he can be authorized
to work in the US again. We have a lot of shit we have to work
on but first we need to find a place.
I feel
like I did when my father kicked us out. He made sure that we
would never have anything and stripped us of any kind of dignity
we could have. The managers of the storage had to come kick
her out of the building. I mean if anyone could have humiliated
me to a greater degree then she did yesterday I wouldn't know
who. I am mad that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable to someone
and they wounded me so deeply that I will never trust anyone
again.
Hence the
reason I want to talk to my father again because I know now
why he never had friends. They are just a shiny veneer to someone
who is going to end up using you up and sucking you dry. I'm
going to do my best to put up extreme defenses because life
is too fucking short to be feeling this betrayed and abused.
I feel
like a wounded cat. I am so hurt and I don't understand how
anyone could be so incredibly evil and toxic to try and ruin
every relationship I have except for the one with her. "It's
not you Cathy!"
"DID
YOU EVER TAKE MY FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION?" My God...
I think I have an idea about life and I knew there were some
things I did not want to compromise on but... part of me just
wants to crawl into a hole and die. I was jipped $1 off my paycheck
and so the guy in charge of billing sent the e-mail to everyone
in the company with ha ha written on it. It must be nice to
be a rich kid in Santa Barbara and then steal all my fucking
hours and never does his fucking job.
I wish
I had more money to just lay around and do nothing again. I
think when I lived on St. James Court that was the best time
of my life because I was alone and just back from Europe. I
swear to God... does anyone fucking understand what kind of
hell I am going through on a daily basis? Do you have any fucking
idea how hard it is to mask the physical pain I am in and have
been in for the last 11 years? Every hour of every day I am
in so much pain you can't imagine. I could tell when I was going
through Europe when I would get tired and have to stop. I have
worked hard to make this journal not be about that but the symptoms
have overwhelmed me.
One more
night of tears. When the manager came to hold me when I couldn't
quit crying she just held me and kissed me and told me to calm
down. That was one of the kindest things anyone has done for
me for a while... someone just let me cry and for me to be such
a strong person I need that more and more these days.
Monday
March 4, 2002
I'm sick of work. I think I just hate my life period right now.
One of my ICQ buddies has mono. He told me how horrible he felt and he said he didn't want to whine and after he told me his symptoms I told him that's how I felt everyday.
"No offense but if I felt like this everyday I would blow my brains out."
Was answered with "I already tried."
So... Florent and I have a room in a hostel until Friday. It's the biggest
dive but who fucking cares. If we can find something that's
all I care about. Actually I don't really care so much anymore.
I just want my SSI so we can leave because I complained about
being jipped $1 Tyler came up to me and said "I buy you lunch."
Which was answered with "Oh yeah... you didn't give me my 15
minute breaks so I thought that was only fair that you bought
me lunch." But he showed me today... he didn't buy me lunch.
I can't believe I spent my free time working on his shitty
system. Fuck him fuck Jen fuck LA fuck life fuck everything.
Just give me my fucking SSI so I can start traveling the God
Damn world with what little mobility I have left.
Better yet I think I will become a war photographer.
I talked to Anne today. She told me she might be ill again. Starving herself
and all that other shit she does when she is depressed has seriously
compromised her immune system. I'm beginning to feel like no
one is ever going to care about me the schizoid way she does
anyway.
My 3 minutes are almost up. I did 2 voice overs today.
I'm scared that I don't mind being homeless so much after all. I'm scared
that I am finally to the point where I don't trust anyone but
myself but then again I am the one living my life.
Diana told me Steven found an obit for Zack. I guess I should look in the Gleaner.
Monday March 11, 2002
I have been working for onestop for 3 months now. Amazingly enough they have seen me through everything. Proud of me when I came back from the hospital.
We are staying in hotels and what have you. I have to get some info about
my IRA and a current bank statement that says I don't have any money and then
my SSI will kick in.
I see the Neurologist on April 11th at 8:00 am.
I'm such a dummy. I could have had the NIH look at me but because I asked
about it AGAIN because I am BRAIN DAMAGED they told me that no I could not
be seen by them because I asked about it too much.
So much for that.
I feel like a cat thrown out of a window. It's kind of nice though because
even though the room is spinning around me all the stability markers are still
there. Andy is still at home not doing much to get by so I can always chat
with him. Josh is there too.
Florent is in the other room working and I am in Marshall's office geeking.
It's kind of nice being able to have DSL while Florent is *GASP* WORKING!
It took a lot of persuasion but I think I busted his balls in the right way
so that he is actually motivated to fucking do something instead of being a god damn bum.
It was refreshing to sit across from him and listen to him bitch about not
being used to people asking him to fix the problem with printing. It was nice
to have him thinking about other things instead of his mind going to shit
from being lazy.
I still don't know what to do about this whole situation but I know I am
not so callus that I could dump him completely and not know he at least had
something going for him. I wish I could be that kind of person sometimes but
what can I say? I have a heart and that's why you love me so much.
So... now I need to figure some other shit out. I told Florent I'm not
having sex with him for a while because I want to give my body time to heal. I
also want to put that energy into other things and as long as things aren't
so stable I don't think I should give him that energy. Plus after this winter
I don't want to do very much. Even though it feels like Spring out here...
I have not been feeling well in other ways either. I wrote this horrible
thing on Friday and couldn't bring myself to put it here because... those
feelings were fleeting and I realized that I don't have to put myself through
excessive feelings of depression over some fucking stupid situation that will
pass.
I'm sad that I can't call Jen up and talk to her on the phone but after the
violence she exhibited the other week I just can't deal with that shit. I
can barely deal with myself. I don't need that kind of drama in my life
because I cause my own.
Maybe that was all my fault.
Or maybe I just want to blame myself because that is all I know.
I went and hung out at Buzzy's yesterday. That made me feel great. She can
be a good influence every once in a while.
I talked with Lesli on the phone the other day. She told me that she thought
LA sucked for me and that I haven't grown since I have been
here. Perhaps she is right but I think it's time for me to start
making those decisions for myself. I think I have finally woken
up from my self-induced love coma and now it's time to take
care of business.
I am trying to sort out my life and I think I have figured
out the only way I am going to get anywhere is if I concentrate
really hard on what it is I want. I am not smoking pot with
the regularity that I was just a week ago. I wasn't going to
smoke for a month... I need to be writing all my symptoms down
so that I have that to give to the doctor when I go there.
Tuesday March 12, 2002
Anne might have cancer again. She's been ill lately and I think the breaking
of her heart had a lot to do with it. Her cell count was abnormal
and they said it could be diabetes but I don't think so. She
has bruises on her legs.
She goes in on Friday for another test of her blood. I feel
devastated. Not just because of her predicament but because
of all the shit going on in our lives right now.
I told her it would figure that she might be sick again because I am sick.
I just don't even know how to react. I'm taking each day at a time now. I should stay in bed all day today but I told Tyler I would go into work to test
some shit out.
I don't have that much hope in my life these days. It's very hard to look to the future.
I need Florent too. I guess no matter what happens I need him to care about me more than anything. I think I can go through hell as long as someone is there to give me tender caresses when I am feeling the most blue. I don't need the shit other men can put me through. Jen may be right and there are other turds in the toilet but my Mr. Hankey loves me and I need all the love I can get because I am fucked up.
I don't know... I think if Anne has cancer at least I know I can deal with
my life being totally fucked like that. That will seem so much
more real then half of the shit I have been dealing with because
it seems like that will all vanish. Maybe it's just diabetes
but she hasn't been eating lately.
Sad to think for a brief moment that I would rather deal with her having cancer. The smell of the hospital, the harvesting of my whole purpose of living so that she can survive from my bone marrow. I don't know how my body will take it but I can assure you that I am going to spend my summer somewhere beautiful and tropical to heal. I can't deal with the trappings of normal life. I'm going insane.
On the upside Anne might have sold my first photograph to a magazine. That
will be great. I scanned a couple of photos last night and that
took all night but my god... they are so beautiful. I don't
think anything can compare to the beauty of a scanned photograph.
Digital photography hasn't reached that kind of depth but I
guess people don't care about that kind of shit.
Our roles are completely reversed now. I guess if he wasn't
so beautiful it would be a lot easier to separate but some of
the qualities I can stand about him are the ones that make him
so beautiful too. He's lost too much weight lately. He's down
to a 28 inch waist. I'm about a 36 now. I haven't been this
little since high school.
I bought a new pair of jeans the other day at Target because none of my clothes fit me right any longer and I am sick of feeling like a bum. I found the perfect pair because they don't have a waist band. They are button fly and a size 13. They fit PERFECT. I feel so sexy.
I need to stop at storage and get my weed. I can't take the pain anymore.
If you want to download one of the tif I sent Annethis
is the one I am using for my background.
Wednesday
March 13, 2002
I submitted the info to Mr. Lamoreaux today and hopefully by the end of the day I will have my SSI.
I talked with Dez on the phone last night and she told me to let all the shit
go with Jen. I need to concentrate on getting myself healthy
and that all the other shit I just need to let go.
Jen had kindly gotten me a job and then practically fired from it and that wench called today and was trying to tell me that her computers were not networked when I know for a fact they were. All she needs is an ethernet card but I am not going to worry about it anymore. She over reacted when I told her I was vomiting sick and I can't deal with that now. She wouldn't give me her number in order to call her back so I can just *imagine* the tongue wagging in that office.
Oh Well... fuck it all. It really has no bearing on my life any longer and Dez was right, I have more important issues to face at this current time and moment.
I did a NASTY voice over last night for Hustler and I fucking loved it. I would never in a million years say to my lover that I love tasting his hot jizz or my butt juices in real life but for porn... why the hell not. Chris said "Why doesn't my girlfriend talk to me that way?"
Then I went to Buzzy's last night and sat around and we chatted for a good while. She told me all kinds of interesting things like "When people are dying sometimes they are mean because they are the ones dying." So... I don't want to be that kind of person. I think so far I'm doing pretty good but I know sometimes I let it all out when I am alone and with Florent and maybe, just maybe that's why he reacts the way he does.
I don't know. I don't have to figure all that shit out yet. I just have to take things one day at a time right now.
I am anxious to hear back from Mr. Lamoreaux.
Fuck Jen. My God... if she has nothing better to do with her life but fucking flame us then she can go right ahead. "I'm DONE" Even Tanya said she wasn't that great of a friend. I went over to Buddy's and he told me how she loves to go through life flaming all her bridges with a blow torch so there is nothing left. She ran over to his house and told him how selfish he was and then turned around and asked him to do something for her.
Whatever. She fucking used me and now it's pretty obvious. "I'll come clean up after Heidi." Fucking lying whore. I'm thinking Restraining order.
Sorry just had to get that spurt of venom out of my life. Buzzy also said something interesting in that people that are dying are not necessarily the clearest thinkers in the world either. So...
Amongst all the confusion of my life somewhere lies the truth. It can be interpreted in so many different ways but I don't have to figure it all out. I'm just writing about it.
I still will never figure out why in the hell Jen was hell bent on fucking shit up in my life and even still tries to ruin my life. What a bitch!
Thursday
March 14, 2002
It's that fucking bastard's birthday. Why does he get to live another fucking year while my mother is rotting in the ground? Let's celebrate another fucking year of tyranny.
I wish I could call the fucker up and tell him how much I have appreciated some of the warm fuzzies I have been having but now I think better because of it.
It's late and I haven't slept yet. Check in time at Ghetto 6 in Ingelwood is 5:30 am so we can check in for 2 days and today I want to sleep all fucking day. I was tired all day. I need the rest.
I have these bursts of anger. I thought about it the other day... seeing my
brain smushed from the preopt cyst and the cyst there now...
and you mean to tell me that I am not brain damaged?
Sunday
March 17, 2002
More running around like crazy.
We tried to check in at Motel 6 on Friday night but they were booked so I
slept while Florent drove. We couldn't get anything decent (as
I have become a hotel Connoisseur now) for less then $70 and
I am too fucking tight. One cunt tried to tell us that from
6-3 we could sleep in her shit hole for $70. Ut-uh.
I will never be caught in that situation again. Around 7 am
we found a Laundromat so we stopped and he slept and I did the
laundry. After that I was a babbling idiot driving around just
to drive. I drove from Bellflower down the PCH until we got
to Torrence. Florent had stopped where we are now staying but
I didn't feel like paying $52 from 6-11. It's strange how you
can get so weirded out by that shit.
So I drove to Costco and bought gas. Then I went in and bought
one of those air mattresses so we could pump that fucker up
wherever we are and sleep in the back of the Passport if we
have to.
Florent has been busting his balls working like a freak. He's working for an attorney's office and he told me 2 years ago a hard drive was stolen so they have had a security breech for 2 years and lots of worms and viruses eating their data up.
So Florent has a lot of shit to do for this company. I got fed up of nothing going on so I started sending out resumes being his wife and he actually has an interview on Monday in the Valley.
I completely exhausted myself yesterday. The air mattress blower was not charged all the way so it wasn't all the way full so I was not that comfortable. When I woke up we started arguing and it was bad. I hate it when I am too tired and exhausted to think straight because then I become abusive and bitchy.
And not just a little abusive either. The kind of abusive my dad was.
We drove the car up to Ventura and parked near the ocean and slept there for a while. It was nice to have the sun coming through the windows and listening and feeling the ocean right there. That part was really comforting.
It will start getting warmer though and things won't be so bad. I care when I am not comfortable and when I get tired and hungry. That's when I feel the most diseased.
Florent finally broke down and started to beg me not to say I am sick anymore because I am so "beautiful that I can't stand it." I guess no one really wants to be reminded of that but there are times that I can not control myself. I hate it so much you can't imagine. I wish I could be like other people sometimes but then that would defeat the purpose of being me.
I think the good thing about all this arguing I told him that if I wasn't fighting that meant I wasn't fighting for my life. When I bitch I am bitching because I have to fight for something to feel like I am doing something to control this pain and since there is no way to control the physical pain I inflict emotional pain.
He doesn't deserve it but in some ways he does... like the part about being homeless. That pisses me off. But in a way I am grateful too because at least I don't have to do anything to keep my house clean and I have the time it takes to concentrate on other shit. Maybe that's not such a bad thing either.
So... we are at our favorite hotel in Manhattan Beach. The
furniture is really nice and the beds are comfortable and there
is nice carpet on the floor and a big TV and tonight it's Sex
in the City night.
I'm going to Buzzys.
Tuesday
March 19, 2002
Living
the life of a motel wife.
Looking
down from the 8th floor of the Motel 6 in Inglewood somehow
gives me a perverse amount of pleasure. Especially when the
dawn is arising and you see the sun peak over the mountains
blazing the sky with vibrates pinks and yellows. It's such a
lovely image to watch the palm trees swaying gently in the wind.
But
now I look out my window and wish I were asleep. My god how
ugly. We drove down Inglewood St and it was strip malls and
concrete and pretty ugly. I don't know why but I kind of like
it here. We watched "Jesus" cross the street. I am
sure he hasn't had a bath in a couple of years.
I
thought that they were getting rid of me today at work when
I found a posting on Craigslist for my job only making $8 an
hour instead of the illustrious $10. That was before we checked
into Motel 6 and Florent hadn't slept and was creepy. I know
now not to take him seriously when he starts to get like that.
It was strange but for the first time when we went to In &
Out burger with his boss the other night I started to see him
differently.
Especially
when this morning I was so upset that I couldn't think straight.
I told him that it was my turn not to do anything for a while
and he didn't like that idea. I told him that I was going to
be a bum just like he was. I think the tides have turned now
that it's him out there busting his balls. Just the mention
of me not working for a while sent a shiver down his spine.
When
the sun goes down and you can't see anything but the lights
of Inglewood it is breathtaking once again. However I can't
get over the smog looming in the atmosphere and now that I can
see it layering like an onion it's really gross. I never noticed
that so much before.
After
Saturday's fiasco of not having a place and driving around all
morning just to find a fucking room that wasn't $50 I was anxious
to have a back up plan which includes an air mattress in the
back of the Passport so I can sleep if I have to. So far so
good although last night when I got really cold I had to wake
up and go inside to warm up and it was cute to hear how many
times Florent came out to the car just to check if I was still
sleeping.
I'm
thinking of it as a kind of training. I want to drive around
South America for a while and if we do that then we should learn
how to camp. It fucks my back up for a while hence the day in
the hotel the next day. I finally got excited about staying
in a hotel last night.
I
was talking to Buzzy and we were talking about Jen and she said
"I can see how a lot of people wouldn't understand how
you could not have a place because you are adventurous enough
to try something new."
I
will certainly tell you this is for sure. I haven't felt so
alive since we first got here. The somewhat dependability of
having a job, getting SSI, and other stuff have made me realize
several things. I like standing in front of a mirror and watching
my fat jiggle. I don't know why but it delights me to no end.
I explained to Buzzy last night that all we are is matter and
since I always felt like I mattered I wanted to take up space.
I think Mr. Bickel did warp my mind by being there for me when
my father kicked us out. IT was such a tragedy. To finally go
live with the dying parent. I told Buzzy a lot of things last
night. I love talking to her because I figure a lot of things
out about me. When mom and dad were fighting over me when I
was 14 I couldn't stand it. I couldn't deal with them pulling
my heart towards one or the other because I loved them both
so I decided to go to Danville to live with my grandparents
because I wanted to know...
My
father came to see me twice. That was it. One time to watch
me participate in marching band. I think I was playing the symbols
then. I had originally played the French Horn but I couldn't
hold it up and hey... I liked playing the symbols with the Zilijian
going across the metal. They made me happy especially if I was
really pissed off or having a bad day I could slam those mother
fuckers into one another and the louder the sound that came
the more it reverberated through my soul.
But
that night I think I was playing the French Horn. Or faking
the French Horn. I was sick of playing that thing... When we
would go play for the football teams or one time March in a
parade I faked it. I would run out of steam. He came and sat
next to me on the bleachers. It was so cold outside. That was
the first time my dad came to see me and then he left. Some
people have no idea what it takes to be a parent. Maybe I am
being harsh but if you are going to be supportive of your child
you need to be there for them when they need you and not say
to them halfway through a game that you have to go.
But
he never really was the type to just come up and see his father.
I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know how devastating it
is to have someone you love out there and not be in contact
with them like he did to his father for 14 years. I wanted to
make him feel for me. I wanted him to realize that I was not
my mother. I wanted everyone to see me as me and not my mother
because I am not her! Everyone always telling me that I looked
just like her and "If you are thin you will have to beat
the boys off with a stick." I had so much and I pissed
it all away just so I could be me without all the societal trappings
it takes to be a "woman".
Buzzy
said something about starting up a service for young people
on the lame. I thought that was funny. Am I on the lame? I guess
so.
So
many random thoughts today. It's nice to just concentrate on
thinking. That's what I love about living like this. My head
clears up from all the mundane shit in life and then I see crystal
clear and my thoughts once again become my own. I feel almost
lately like I did when I was traveling like mad. Dashing around
the planet stealthily seeking answers to obscure ideas and references.
I'm
curling my hair now... I am going to put on make-up. I took
a long bubble bath today. We made love today. And last night.
Iwas denied my orgasms the other day so he's being a champ.
I always have a little one but I always want to feel my toes
curl and my cervix tent. That's the best kind of orgasm there
is. When you feel the cervix dipping into what is supposed to
be seminal fluids your body is putting all it's energy into
making a baby and it just feels so good. I love making love
again. I'm not as sore as I have been... well... I can tell
it's warming up and as the weather gets warmer my spirit also
lifts. The pain is not so intense.
Today
was sweet. We were on the bed, standing on the balcony and back
on the bed again. We haven't done that in a long time. Public
display's of affection. I wonder if anyone in Inglewood could
see my tits hitting one another in the center as Florent's hips
swayed his cock deeper inside of me. I feel like there is this
line that goes directly from my cunt into my brain and when
I squirt or have little tremor orgasms my brain shakes from
pleasure.
I
feel like I need to go to the gym to start working out the muscles
I lost over the winter. To become stronger to make better love.
Still thinking about being a porn star. Still dreaming about
traveling. Listening to Spin Spin Sugar by the Snaker Pimps...
they played this one at one of the Kazantips. I dream of the
Ukrainian sun penetrating my body, infusing it with warmth and
energy. I miss Roman too and my Russian life. I miss Liuda most
of all... she has been lost again but I know I could find her
if I wanted to. All I have to do is try.
