Saturday March 2, 2002

We had it out with Jen today. She never moved her fucking table and so we were moving and she was going to have Florent deported. I think I am over that.

So... that made me feel abused.

But then tonight was a very awesome night because we came over to Jen(3) and Chris's for their dinner party. We were going to eat Japanese but Chris ended up making Mexican. I met an amazing bunch of people and had the experience of a lifetime. We picked through seedy pot and someone made butter for the brownies. Jen(3) ended up crushing almonds in them. Yum. I am the only one that is still awake this late at night.

For this to be such a horrendous day I am glad for it's resolution. I am happy that I have met some people that can accept Florent as being himself and not be so fucking judgmental. I'm fucking dying and I would rather be happy with the man I love.

Sunday March 3, 2002

I don't know what I am going to do... I thought that being footloose and fancy free could be a wonderful thing but now I am not so convinced.

The first night we paid way too much money to stay at a place where we heard people fucking all night. I was not in a good mood and after last night we had to wait around for a room until 5:30 to stay at a Motel 6 that ain't that clean. But we switched rooms and I feel much better now.

So... That part sucks. I wish it was a lot warmer so we could camp out because I really can't stand this town any longer.

I can't tell you how betrayed I feel. When Jen came stomping into the storage facility and started screaming at Florent and telling him she was going to have him deported I lost it. My God... how hateful can a person be?

I lost my temper. I put her in her fucking place and watched as tears boiled just underneath her lids as I screamed at her and told both her and Florent to fuck themselves. That I was dying and would be dead in 10 years and this is the kind of shit I have in my life.

She systematically went through and decimated my budding friendship with Buzzy. She went to our landlords and told him that we stole her kitchen table and then insisted that we were stealing all of her shit when she fucking left it there for the last 6 months! My fucking god. I just want my own place with Florent. Just a small apartment and fuck everyone else.

I'm beginning to wonder too if all the problems I have been upset about aren't necessarily me but more of her. I know Florent and I have been arguing and he has been saying some abusive things to me but you should hear some of the abusive things I say to him. I am sad to say I am not so innocent.

But no matter what words come out of our mouths and no matter how hot our tempers rise we genuinely love one another. If he wasn't a part of my life right now I don't know what I would do. This may sound so codependent but right now I don't give a fuck. You don't see me writhing in agony at night when I have done too much and it's too cold outside.

The other night when I stayed the night at Jen's and she basically caused me to lose my job because she said she would give me a ride to work but then I had to call Florent to come and pick me up. We were late and so the attorney no longer wanted my services. She called me up the other day and started RIPPING a new asshole to Florent.

"Cathy I know it's not you... but I don't trust HIM"

"HE IS MY PARTNER" I screeched back at her the other day. I told her not to piss me off and now I don't give a fuck if I ever have anything to do with her again. She told the same thing to Buzzy but my God... I'm not trying to ruin every fucking relationship she has right now as well as the one to the one person that listened to all her deep dark secrets and made her feel so good.

I finally started to think maybe, just maybe she is jealous. And maybe she is denying her more base feelings that she might be a lesbian and then masking it with this hostility towards Florent.

I know that he has not been the most perfect husband but at least now he is willing to be trained a little more. And maybe if we don't have other people in our shit so much it won't be so bad. He had been complaining about her for months and I ignored him because I thought she was so wonderful but she kept comparing him to her ex boyfriend and that bastard never finished college while Florent has his Masters.

Plus our industry has tanked and we are in the middle of a recession and we have to get his INS shit worked out so he can be authorized to work in the US again. We have a lot of shit we have to work on but first we need to find a place.

I feel like I did when my father kicked us out. He made sure that we would never have anything and stripped us of any kind of dignity we could have. The managers of the storage had to come kick her out of the building. I mean if anyone could have humiliated me to a greater degree then she did yesterday I wouldn't know who. I am mad that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable to someone and they wounded me so deeply that I will never trust anyone again.

Hence the reason I want to talk to my father again because I know now why he never had friends. They are just a shiny veneer to someone who is going to end up using you up and sucking you dry. I'm going to do my best to put up extreme defenses because life is too fucking short to be feeling this betrayed and abused.

I feel like a wounded cat. I am so hurt and I don't understand how anyone could be so incredibly evil and toxic to try and ruin every relationship I have except for the one with her. "It's not you Cathy!"

"DID YOU EVER TAKE MY FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION?" My God... I think I have an idea about life and I knew there were some things I did not want to compromise on but... part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and die. I was jipped $1 off my paycheck and so the guy in charge of billing sent the e-mail to everyone in the company with ha ha written on it. It must be nice to be a rich kid in Santa Barbara and then steal all my fucking hours and never does his fucking job.

I wish I had more money to just lay around and do nothing again. I think when I lived on St. James Court that was the best time of my life because I was alone and just back from Europe. I swear to God... does anyone fucking understand what kind of hell I am going through on a daily basis? Do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to mask the physical pain I am in and have been in for the last 11 years? Every hour of every day I am in so much pain you can't imagine. I could tell when I was going through Europe when I would get tired and have to stop. I have worked hard to make this journal not be about that but the symptoms have overwhelmed me.

One more night of tears. When the manager came to hold me when I couldn't quit crying she just held me and kissed me and told me to calm down. That was one of the kindest things anyone has done for me for a while... someone just let me cry and for me to be such a strong person I need that more and more these days.

Monday March 4, 2002

I'm sick of work. I think I just hate my life period right now.

One of my ICQ buddies has mono. He told me how horrible he felt and he said he didn't want to whine and after he told me his symptoms I told him that's how I felt everyday.

"No offense but if I felt like this everyday I would blow my brains out."

Was answered with "I already tried."

So... Florent and I have a room in a hostel until Friday. It's the biggest dive but who fucking cares. If we can find something that's all I care about. Actually I don't really care so much anymore. I just want my SSI so we can leave because I complained about being jipped $1 Tyler came up to me and said "I buy you lunch." Which was answered with "Oh yeah... you didn't give me my 15 minute breaks so I thought that was only fair that you bought me lunch." But he showed me today... he didn't buy me lunch.

I can't believe I spent my free time working on his shitty system. Fuck him fuck Jen fuck LA fuck life fuck everything. Just give me my fucking SSI so I can start traveling the God Damn world with what little mobility I have left.

Better yet I think I will become a war photographer.

I talked to Anne today. She told me she might be ill again. Starving herself and all that other shit she does when she is depressed has seriously compromised her immune system. I'm beginning to feel like no one is ever going to care about me the schizoid way she does anyway.

My 3 minutes are almost up. I did 2 voice overs today.

I'm scared that I don't mind being homeless so much after all. I'm scared that I am finally to the point where I don't trust anyone but myself but then again I am the one living my life.

Diana told me Steven found an obit for Zack. I guess I should look in the Gleaner.


Monday March 11, 2002

I have been working for onestop for 3 months now. Amazingly enough they have seen me through everything. Proud of me when I came back from the hospital.

We are staying in hotels and what have you. I have to get some info about my IRA and a current bank statement that says I don't have any money and then my SSI will kick in.

I see the Neurologist on April 11th at 8:00 am.

I'm such a dummy. I could have had the NIH look at me but because I asked about it AGAIN because I am BRAIN DAMAGED they told me that no I could not be seen by them because I asked about it too much.

So much for that.

I feel like a cat thrown out of a window. It's kind of nice though because even though the room is spinning around me all the stability markers are still there. Andy is still at home not doing much to get by so I can always chat with him. Josh is there too.

Florent is in the other room working and I am in Marshall's office geeking.

It's kind of nice being able to have DSL while Florent is *GASP* WORKING!

It took a lot of persuasion but I think I busted his balls in the right way so that he is actually motivated to fucking do something instead of being a god damn bum.

It was refreshing to sit across from him and listen to him bitch about not being used to people asking him to fix the problem with printing. It was nice to have him thinking about other things instead of his mind going to shit from being lazy.

I still don't know what to do about this whole situation but I know I am not so callus that I could dump him completely and not know he at least had something going for him. I wish I could be that kind of person sometimes but what can I say? I have a heart and that's why you love me so much.

So... now I need to figure some other shit out. I told Florent I'm not having sex with him for a while because I want to give my body time to heal. I also want to put that energy into other things and as long as things aren't so stable I don't think I should give him that energy. Plus after this winter I don't want to do very much. Even though it feels like Spring out here...

I have not been feeling well in other ways either. I wrote this horrible thing on Friday and couldn't bring myself to put it here because... those feelings were fleeting and I realized that I don't have to put myself through excessive feelings of depression over some fucking stupid situation that will pass.

I'm sad that I can't call Jen up and talk to her on the phone but after the violence she exhibited the other week I just can't deal with that shit. I can barely deal with myself. I don't need that kind of drama in my life because I cause my own.

Maybe that was all my fault.

Or maybe I just want to blame myself because that is all I know.

I went and hung out at Buzzy's yesterday. That made me feel great. She can be a good influence every once in a while.

I talked with Lesli on the phone the other day. She told me that she thought LA sucked for me and that I haven't grown since I have been here. Perhaps she is right but I think it's time for me to start making those decisions for myself. I think I have finally woken up from my self-induced love coma and now it's time to take care of business.

I am trying to sort out my life and I think I have figured out the only way I am going to get anywhere is if I concentrate really hard on what it is I want. I am not smoking pot with the regularity that I was just a week ago. I wasn't going to smoke for a month... I need to be writing all my symptoms down so that I have that to give to the doctor when I go there.


Tuesday March 12, 2002

Anne might have cancer again. She's been ill lately and I think the breaking of her heart had a lot to do with it. Her cell count was abnormal and they said it could be diabetes but I don't think so. She has bruises on her legs.

She goes in on Friday for another test of her blood. I feel devastated. Not just because of her predicament but because of all the shit going on in our lives right now.

I told her it would figure that she might be sick again because I am sick.

I just don't even know how to react. I'm taking each day at a time now. I should stay in bed all day today but I told Tyler I would go into work to test some shit out.

I don't have that much hope in my life these days. It's very hard to look to the future.

I need Florent too. I guess no matter what happens I need him to care about me more than anything. I think I can go through hell as long as someone is there to give me tender caresses when I am feeling the most blue. I don't need the shit other men can put me through. Jen may be right and there are other turds in the toilet but my Mr. Hankey loves me and I need all the love I can get because I am fucked up.

I don't know... I think if Anne has cancer at least I know I can deal with my life being totally fucked like that. That will seem so much more real then half of the shit I have been dealing with because it seems like that will all vanish. Maybe it's just diabetes but she hasn't been eating lately.

Sad to think for a brief moment that I would rather deal with her having cancer. The smell of the hospital, the harvesting of my whole purpose of living so that she can survive from my bone marrow. I don't know how my body will take it but I can assure you that I am going to spend my summer somewhere beautiful and tropical to heal. I can't deal with the trappings of normal life. I'm going insane.

On the upside Anne might have sold my first photograph to a magazine. That will be great. I scanned a couple of photos last night and that took all night but my god... they are so beautiful. I don't think anything can compare to the beauty of a scanned photograph. Digital photography hasn't reached that kind of depth but I guess people don't care about that kind of shit.

Our roles are completely reversed now. I guess if he wasn't so beautiful it would be a lot easier to separate but some of the qualities I can stand about him are the ones that make him so beautiful too. He's lost too much weight lately. He's down to a 28 inch waist. I'm about a 36 now. I haven't been this little since high school.

I bought a new pair of jeans the other day at Target because none of my clothes fit me right any longer and I am sick of feeling like a bum. I found the perfect pair because they don't have a waist band. They are button fly and a size 13. They fit PERFECT. I feel so sexy.

I need to stop at storage and get my weed. I can't take the pain anymore.

If you want to download one of the tif I sent Annethis is the one I am using for my background.


Wednesday March 13, 2002

I submitted the info to Mr. Lamoreaux today and hopefully by the end of the day I will have my SSI.

I talked with Dez on the phone last night and she told me to let all the shit go with Jen. I need to concentrate on getting myself healthy and that all the other shit I just need to let go.

Jen had kindly gotten me a job and then practically fired from it and that wench called today and was trying to tell me that her computers were not networked when I know for a fact they were. All she needs is an ethernet card but I am not going to worry about it anymore. She over reacted when I told her I was vomiting sick and I can't deal with that now. She wouldn't give me her number in order to call her back so I can just *imagine* the tongue wagging in that office.

Oh Well... fuck it all. It really has no bearing on my life any longer and Dez was right, I have more important issues to face at this current time and moment.

I did a NASTY voice over last night for Hustler and I fucking loved it. I would never in a million years say to my lover that I love tasting his hot jizz or my butt juices in real life but for porn... why the hell not. Chris said "Why doesn't my girlfriend talk to me that way?"

Then I went to Buzzy's last night and sat around and we chatted for a good while. She told me all kinds of interesting things like "When people are dying sometimes they are mean because they are the ones dying." So... I don't want to be that kind of person. I think so far I'm doing pretty good but I know sometimes I let it all out when I am alone and with Florent and maybe, just maybe that's why he reacts the way he does.

I don't know. I don't have to figure all that shit out yet. I just have to take things one day at a time right now.

I am anxious to hear back from Mr. Lamoreaux.

Fuck Jen. My God... if she has nothing better to do with her life but fucking flame us then she can go right ahead. "I'm DONE" Even Tanya said she wasn't that great of a friend. I went over to Buddy's and he told me how she loves to go through life flaming all her bridges with a blow torch so there is nothing left. She ran over to his house and told him how selfish he was and then turned around and asked him to do something for her.

Whatever. She fucking used me and now it's pretty obvious. "I'll come clean up after Heidi." Fucking lying whore. I'm thinking Restraining order.

Sorry just had to get that spurt of venom out of my life. Buzzy also said something interesting in that people that are dying are not necessarily the clearest thinkers in the world either. So...

Amongst all the confusion of my life somewhere lies the truth. It can be interpreted in so many different ways but I don't have to figure it all out. I'm just writing about it.

I still will never figure out why in the hell Jen was hell bent on fucking shit up in my life and even still tries to ruin my life. What a bitch!


Thursday March 14, 2002

It's that fucking bastard's birthday. Why does he get to live another fucking year while my mother is rotting in the ground? Let's celebrate another fucking year of tyranny.

I wish I could call the fucker up and tell him how much I have appreciated some of the warm fuzzies I have been having but now I think better because of it.

It's late and I haven't slept yet. Check in time at Ghetto 6 in Ingelwood is 5:30 am so we can check in for 2 days and today I want to sleep all fucking day. I was tired all day. I need the rest.

I have these bursts of anger. I thought about it the other day... seeing my brain smushed from the preopt cyst and the cyst there now... and you mean to tell me that I am not brain damaged?


Sunday March 17, 2002

More running around like crazy.

We tried to check in at Motel 6 on Friday night but they were booked so I slept while Florent drove. We couldn't get anything decent (as I have become a hotel Connoisseur now) for less then $70 and I am too fucking tight. One cunt tried to tell us that from 6-3 we could sleep in her shit hole for $70. Ut-uh.

I will never be caught in that situation again. Around 7 am we found a Laundromat so we stopped and he slept and I did the laundry. After that I was a babbling idiot driving around just to drive. I drove from Bellflower down the PCH until we got to Torrence. Florent had stopped where we are now staying but I didn't feel like paying $52 from 6-11. It's strange how you can get so weirded out by that shit.

So I drove to Costco and bought gas. Then I went in and bought one of those air mattresses so we could pump that fucker up wherever we are and sleep in the back of the Passport if we have to.

Florent has been busting his balls working like a freak. He's working for an attorney's office and he told me 2 years ago a hard drive was stolen so they have had a security breech for 2 years and lots of worms and viruses eating their data up.

So Florent has a lot of shit to do for this company. I got fed up of nothing going on so I started sending out resumes being his wife and he actually has an interview on Monday in the Valley.

I completely exhausted myself yesterday. The air mattress blower was not charged all the way so it wasn't all the way full so I was not that comfortable. When I woke up we started arguing and it was bad. I hate it when I am too tired and exhausted to think straight because then I become abusive and bitchy.

And not just a little abusive either. The kind of abusive my dad was.

We drove the car up to Ventura and parked near the ocean and slept there for a while. It was nice to have the sun coming through the windows and listening and feeling the ocean right there. That part was really comforting.

It will start getting warmer though and things won't be so bad. I care when I am not comfortable and when I get tired and hungry. That's when I feel the most diseased.

Florent finally broke down and started to beg me not to say I am sick anymore because I am so "beautiful that I can't stand it." I guess no one really wants to be reminded of that but there are times that I can not control myself. I hate it so much you can't imagine. I wish I could be like other people sometimes but then that would defeat the purpose of being me.

I think the good thing about all this arguing I told him that if I wasn't fighting that meant I wasn't fighting for my life. When I bitch I am bitching because I have to fight for something to feel like I am doing something to control this pain and since there is no way to control the physical pain I inflict emotional pain.

He doesn't deserve it but in some ways he does... like the part about being homeless. That pisses me off. But in a way I am grateful too because at least I don't have to do anything to keep my house clean and I have the time it takes to concentrate on other shit. Maybe that's not such a bad thing either.

So... we are at our favorite hotel in Manhattan Beach. The furniture is really nice and the beds are comfortable and there is nice carpet on the floor and a big TV and tonight it's Sex in the City night.

I'm going to Buzzys.

Tuesday March 19, 2002

Living the life of a motel wife.

Looking down from the 8th floor of the Motel 6 in Inglewood somehow gives me a perverse amount of pleasure. Especially when the dawn is arising and you see the sun peak over the mountains blazing the sky with vibrates pinks and yellows. It's such a lovely image to watch the palm trees swaying gently in the wind.

But now I look out my window and wish I were asleep. My god how ugly. We drove down Inglewood St and it was strip malls and concrete and pretty ugly. I don't know why but I kind of like it here. We watched "Jesus" cross the street. I am sure he hasn't had a bath in a couple of years.

I thought that they were getting rid of me today at work when I found a posting on Craigslist for my job only making $8 an hour instead of the illustrious $10. That was before we checked into Motel 6 and Florent hadn't slept and was creepy. I know now not to take him seriously when he starts to get like that. It was strange but for the first time when we went to In & Out burger with his boss the other night I started to see him differently.

Especially when this morning I was so upset that I couldn't think straight. I told him that it was my turn not to do anything for a while and he didn't like that idea. I told him that I was going to be a bum just like he was. I think the tides have turned now that it's him out there busting his balls. Just the mention of me not working for a while sent a shiver down his spine.

When the sun goes down and you can't see anything but the lights of Inglewood it is breathtaking once again. However I can't get over the smog looming in the atmosphere and now that I can see it layering like an onion it's really gross. I never noticed that so much before.

After Saturday's fiasco of not having a place and driving around all morning just to find a fucking room that wasn't $50 I was anxious to have a back up plan which includes an air mattress in the back of the Passport so I can sleep if I have to. So far so good although last night when I got really cold I had to wake up and go inside to warm up and it was cute to hear how many times Florent came out to the car just to check if I was still sleeping.

I'm thinking of it as a kind of training. I want to drive around South America for a while and if we do that then we should learn how to camp. It fucks my back up for a while hence the day in the hotel the next day. I finally got excited about staying in a hotel last night.

I was talking to Buzzy and we were talking about Jen and she said "I can see how a lot of people wouldn't understand how you could not have a place because you are adventurous enough to try something new."

I will certainly tell you this is for sure. I haven't felt so alive since we first got here. The somewhat dependability of having a job, getting SSI, and other stuff have made me realize several things. I like standing in front of a mirror and watching my fat jiggle. I don't know why but it delights me to no end. I explained to Buzzy last night that all we are is matter and since I always felt like I mattered I wanted to take up space. I think Mr. Bickel did warp my mind by being there for me when my father kicked us out. IT was such a tragedy. To finally go live with the dying parent. I told Buzzy a lot of things last night. I love talking to her because I figure a lot of things out about me. When mom and dad were fighting over me when I was 14 I couldn't stand it. I couldn't deal with them pulling my heart towards one or the other because I loved them both so I decided to go to Danville to live with my grandparents because I wanted to know...

My father came to see me twice. That was it. One time to watch me participate in marching band. I think I was playing the symbols then. I had originally played the French Horn but I couldn't hold it up and hey... I liked playing the symbols with the Zilijian going across the metal. They made me happy especially if I was really pissed off or having a bad day I could slam those mother fuckers into one another and the louder the sound that came the more it reverberated through my soul.

But that night I think I was playing the French Horn. Or faking the French Horn. I was sick of playing that thing... When we would go play for the football teams or one time March in a parade I faked it. I would run out of steam. He came and sat next to me on the bleachers. It was so cold outside. That was the first time my dad came to see me and then he left. Some people have no idea what it takes to be a parent. Maybe I am being harsh but if you are going to be supportive of your child you need to be there for them when they need you and not say to them halfway through a game that you have to go.

But he never really was the type to just come up and see his father. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know how devastating it is to have someone you love out there and not be in contact with them like he did to his father for 14 years. I wanted to make him feel for me. I wanted him to realize that I was not my mother. I wanted everyone to see me as me and not my mother because I am not her! Everyone always telling me that I looked just like her and "If you are thin you will have to beat the boys off with a stick." I had so much and I pissed it all away just so I could be me without all the societal trappings it takes to be a "woman".

Buzzy said something about starting up a service for young people on the lame. I thought that was funny. Am I on the lame? I guess so.

So many random thoughts today. It's nice to just concentrate on thinking. That's what I love about living like this. My head clears up from all the mundane shit in life and then I see crystal clear and my thoughts once again become my own. I feel almost lately like I did when I was traveling like mad. Dashing around the planet stealthily seeking answers to obscure ideas and references.

I'm curling my hair now... I am going to put on make-up. I took a long bubble bath today. We made love today. And last night. Iwas denied my orgasms the other day so he's being a champ. I always have a little one but I always want to feel my toes curl and my cervix tent. That's the best kind of orgasm there is. When you feel the cervix dipping into what is supposed to be seminal fluids your body is putting all it's energy into making a baby and it just feels so good. I love making love again. I'm not as sore as I have been... well... I can tell it's warming up and as the weather gets warmer my spirit also lifts. The pain is not so intense.

Today was sweet. We were on the bed, standing on the balcony and back on the bed again. We haven't done that in a long time. Public display's of affection. I wonder if anyone in Inglewood could see my tits hitting one another in the center as Florent's hips swayed his cock deeper inside of me. I feel like there is this line that goes directly from my cunt into my brain and when I squirt or have little tremor orgasms my brain shakes from pleasure.

I feel like I need to go to the gym to start working out the muscles I lost over the winter. To become stronger to make better love. Still thinking about being a porn star. Still dreaming about traveling. Listening to Spin Spin Sugar by the Snaker Pimps... they played this one at one of the Kazantips. I dream of the Ukrainian sun penetrating my body, infusing it with warmth and energy. I miss Roman too and my Russian life. I miss Liuda most of all... she has been lost again but I know I could find her if I wanted to. All I have to do is try.









Dr. Block's


















Russia '96




London '99



Stills '98